I recently went to an Oxfam poetry do, where I had to do some reading there and I was given the topic of, my thoughts on my arrival into this country. It’s funny that I had never thought of my emotions about leaving home. I have lived with my mother after all for 28 years! It should be an epic! But alas, (who is this Victorian, if I may ask?)
Anyways in this land, I have faced things I never thought I would, some things have happened to me that I had only read about in books. I have experienced friendship that defies race, colour and sex, I have also had betrayal, I have met open hearts, arms and minds and I've also enjoyed the horror of racism, but its all good. I am who I am, I shall not cry because I have no reason to be ashamed. So I share my thoughts on my coming here, maybe I'll write about my different lives also one day, but for now, read this and be safe.
DEPARTURE
It is 5.30 am
My bags are packed, in the living room
I am dressed
My household hesitantly wakens
Reluctant for this journey to begin
My mother comes into my room
For the last time?
Smiles a halting smile
As she sees, I am awake and dressed
She comes towards me and
I have a strong urge to hold her and say 'mummy'
I give in and her hands hang to her side
First, I was almost offended
Then I remember my mother doesn't do farewells well
We gather in the living room
My brother, sister and mother
Two friends also, who have come to say goodbye
We pray, I kneel
My mum lays her hand on my head
'Be safe', she says
'Remember who you are and let nobody make you ashamed'
'Be safe'
She suddenly rushes to her room and returns
Her red towel in her hand
'Here take this and never forget'
Orisha ewe mapa’ya mi lekun
We must not cry
We have no need to cry
This is no funeral or maybe it is
Maybe it is the funeral of my childhood
A severing of my ties to my mother's wrapper
A final goodbye to the child I was.
8.45am
I have to go
My boxes are loaded away and my mother stands
Almost shivering
She turns to her sister and asks her for the time
But my mother is wearing a watch
The last announcements come for final boarding
I hug everyone except my mother
She is shivering but smiling
A fragile, glassy smile that looks like it will shatter
I crack a silly joke
Everyone laughs
I walk to her, put my hand luggage and guitar down and hold her
She stands, gives me a weak smile and whispers
But I do not hear what she says
So, I lean closer
'Be safe she says 'and never be ashamed of who you are'
I nod and smile, bend my head and touch her eyes
'You must not cry'
'You have no need to cry'
She smiles again and my aunt butts in
'If you don't move on,
They might leave without you'
I pick my stuff up and
Turn away
I have asked that no one walk with me
I walk slowly, not looking back but
Knowing they are still watching me
I get to the final door
The airhostess smiles
My face is wet
I wipe my eyes
I must not cry
I have no need to cry.
ps: I put in a picture of that incredible woman with speaking eyes; my mother and my performance of the piece at the Apples and Snakes gig 'Brothatalk' in London
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