Wednesday, 16 April 2008

Sleepless in Bolton

Right now, I’m operating from a place of pain. Its 6:41am and I went to bed at 3:26am, I don’t know exactly when I dropped off but I know I was tossing for a while. Every fourth day, I get to sleep for 8 hours depending someone doesn’t called me before 9am and from then on the hours shorten until the next fourth day. (God bless the makers of Cocodamol, Tramadol, codeine and a secret one I’ve promised my GP I’ll never tell nobody). However, these things give me sleep and then after that until relief, I have to fight an exhausted body but an alert mind.

I’m hot, itchy, and sore, crouching with intermittent bursts of pain, sweaty and miserable but my mind is so clear, it’s like a mirror and I’m just thinking things.
Today I go to Liverpool to visit my cousin in a hospice, he’s there receiving palliative care for cancer and I know a lot of people in their hearts have condemned him to death but I am a woman of faith and I know deep down, its not his time.

Therefore, I’m going to see him and encourage him to hold on and believe his body into health. I am a Christian and I make no bones about it and there many things my faith runs deep on but two stand firm. One of them is healing, the other forgiveness, them two are the hardest things for many minds to fathom and accept but I believe those two well.
In my personal life, I have believed God for some kind of healing or the other and He’s always come through and forgiveness! The liberty that gives. Its true that when you forgive people, no matter what they do, you become the free one.

Forgiveness is hard especially when abuse and death are involved but there’s just something about it that liberates. I don’t agree with forgetting though and I’m sorry (Bible buffers) but I haven’t seen anywhere it’s written ‘forget’. I think things must be remembered but not held in account for they make us who we are and its like saying, forget your history, it means we’re giving it a reason to happen again. So forgive, don’t forget but don’t hold in account.

I’ve been doing a lot of writing (hey when you can’t sleep and you’re getting angry, writing works wonders!) lyrics and tunes and I’ve got me a good man who listens to these things and converts them into something I might sell to y’all someday! (Do I hear a halleluyea!) Recently, (ok, last night) I wrote something of forgiveness. I’ll share that with y’all and then go do some laundry and vacuuming (that’s when its much of daylight, I don’t want angry neighbours) the words might not mean much and then again, they might. Well here goes.


Pain is a hurtful phrase that comes
When somebody that you love
Takes advantage.

Hurt is a painful place that burns
When your heart is played upon
By the ones you love.

Inside, you just want to curl up, die
Hoping that tide will pass and you won’t have to matter
But its not going to go away today
Slowly but another day, so you
Have to stand and fight

For the one you love the most
The one your heart holds host
You fight for you
The one that makes your days just brighter
And you forgive.

Every little pain and hurt
They have somehow given birth
To the feeling that you’re feeling

But you stand and fight
For the one you love most
The one your heart holds host
You fight for you
Its hard I know but
You just forgive.

God bless and may you have a peaceful storm. Alafia.


I've just started this new thing, (well really I've not just started) but its taking a hold of me now. You see there is a before and after to my life, Before, I was waiting, always waiting for something or someone to happen, for a bold person that many imagine that I am I was too timid and afraid of what life would turn into if I grabbed it the horns and rode it. So I waited, for the time when something would make me come alive and live. then, I had my After, I had major surgery and I realised that for over 5 hours I laid on an operating table oblivious to what surrounded me, but those hours shaped my life, in fact they reshaped and redefined me, so I'm taking those horns and I'm riding!
Soetry is one of the ways, this is where I mix up poetry and music together to get my own vibe. I had been doing this on the sly but I got the studio brought to my house (the pain still restricts you see) spoke to a friend and he's helping me out now and also putting together my work, spoke to another friend about that and things are on track. I'm half way through and this year, my book's coming out!
I'm dropping it like its hot! I'm living, loving, kissing (yeah you heard me!) kissing HARD!!!
So I share the first lines of my awakening


I wish you could read my mind
Find disturbances, grievances, fears
My smile is larger than my joy
My joy is small, if any at all
My mind is a book, lost dusty, rude

I wish you could live my dream
Discover horror, pain, grief
My laughter is louder than my pleasure
My pleasure is small, if any at all
My dream is a nightmare, lonely, scary, unknown

I wish you for a little while
My mind, my dream
Understand this, you are not my enemy
I just need you to know and
Be aware of me.

PS: I have been watching a lot of Tyler Perry this weekend and I tell you that man is a blessing! Watching his plays and films especially any that has Madea in it is an amazing but uplifting experience. God bless and stay in a peaceful storm